Daily Archives: March 24, 2015
Little Johnny’s class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an “advanced” vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with “A,” Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he’ll say, “ass” so she calls on Mary Lou, who says “apple.”
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to “R.” She can’t think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, “R is for rats – big fucking rats, with 12-inch cocks!”
Pheewwwwwww, I just realized that I only have 350 posts. I’m working extra hard to get to 500 posts tonight. I want to beef up my WordPress trophy case.
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic ofsex education and asked her students ifthey’d ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that’s very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western movie where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn’t have anything to do with sex education.”
“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.”
Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
His mother replies, “The stork brings them.”
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”
A man opens a store and calls it The Husband Store. The store is located in New York City and it sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!”
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, “No, but I have done 53 – that’s all the sailors I could screw in one night.”
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
“Jack, I’ve got to confess — I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30years, I’m the father of your daughter, and I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.