Daily Archives: June 18, 2015

MY PARENTS

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY MY FLAG COUNTER

A counter inside a post

Flag Counter

A three column side bar counter

Flag Counter

WOMENS’S PERSONAL ADS GUIDE

40ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No tits
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie

READ THIS NSFW POEM

Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You’re about to get fisted.

Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh I’ve just come,
Pass me a hanky.

Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cos here comes my willy.

Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits.

Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit.

Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter,
You’re a dirty bitch,
And you love it up the shitter.

Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
You’re so crap in bed,
That I fucked your alsatians.

Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.

Roses are red,
It’s elementary,
Let’s ring up a friend,
And try double-entry.

Roses are shit,
Violets are crap,
Show me your clit,
And I’ll cum in your lap.

Roses are red,
Violets aren’t magenta,
If you have a baby,
I’ll eat the placenta.

DON’T BE MAD AT MY DARK SENSE OF HUMOUR

What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?

Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.

THIS JOKE IS TOO AMAZING

What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re having a wank?

Your ears.

MAN’S BEST FRIEND

A dog is truly a man’s best friend.

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

WHAT’S WORSE ?

I can’t think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

PLAYING DOCTOR

A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.

Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”

“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

THREE THINGS THAT I LEARNED TODAY

1) Charades is shit.

2) There are no films called ‘Choking’ or ‘Dial 999’.

3) Grandad is … I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.

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