Monthly Archives: August 2015

SPONSORSHIP

Kid asks a teacher to define ‘sponsorship’

‘It’s when someone pays for someone else to do an activity or event to help someone’

‘Oh I see, So my dad just sponsored that prostitute then?

A PROMOTION

I got a promotion at Sainsbury’s the other day for massively increasing our fruit and vegetable sales.

All I did was stick the bananas and the cucumbers next to the 50 Shades DVDs.

MY ANNIVERSARY

I never forget my anniversary because my wife always reminds me.

She called me in tears at the pub today and said, “It’s our anniversary you bastard”.

Phew. That was a close one.

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A HOMELESS MAN

Last night I took a homeless man to my place for a nice hot bath and a meal. I felt it was the right thing to do.

I just couldn’t see myself fucking him when he’s all filthy and starving.

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A NEW BLOG

That Moment When Lil Wayne Says is the title of my new blog. It’s a tribute to Dwayne Michael Carter, the best rapper alive. It contains the best Lil Wayne lyrics plus their explanations.

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AN UPGRADE

I hung up my phone and my wife looked at me and said, “Ain’t about time you got an upgrade? ”

That was 6 months ago, I now have a new wife.

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MY FETISHES

My wife shouted that she’s had had enough of my weird sexual fetish acts.

So I packed my case, wanked over my clothes and left.

The woman is clearly mad.

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HOW YOU KNOW A PORN IS BORING

You know it must be a boring porn video when you start wondering if a woman’s long, fake nails hurt her when she’s masturbating.

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REPORTS

Reports suggest that licking a toilet seat is more hygienic than biting your nails.

So why is everyone on the bus staring at me and my toilet seat?

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WHAT I DO TO FORGET

I said, “I drink and take drugs to forget.”

My wife said, “What’s so bad you need to forget?”

I said, “Who the fuck are you?”

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