Monthly Archives: August 2015
SPONSORSHIP
Kid asks a teacher to define ‘sponsorship’
‘It’s when someone pays for someone else to do an activity or event to help someone’
‘Oh I see, So my dad just sponsored that prostitute then?
A PROMOTION
I got a promotion at Sainsbury’s the other day for massively increasing our fruit and vegetable sales.
All I did was stick the bananas and the cucumbers next to the 50 Shades DVDs.
MY ANNIVERSARY
I never forget my anniversary because my wife always reminds me.
She called me in tears at the pub today and said, “It’s our anniversary you bastard”.
Phew. That was a close one.
A HOMELESS MAN
Last night I took a homeless man to my place for a nice hot bath and a meal. I felt it was the right thing to do.
I just couldn’t see myself fucking him when he’s all filthy and starving.
A NEW BLOG
That Moment When Lil Wayne Says is the title of my new blog. It’s a tribute to Dwayne Michael Carter, the best rapper alive. It contains the best Lil Wayne lyrics plus their explanations.
AN UPGRADE
I hung up my phone and my wife looked at me and said, “Ain’t about time you got an upgrade? ”
That was 6 months ago, I now have a new wife.
MY FETISHES
My wife shouted that she’s had had enough of my weird sexual fetish acts.
So I packed my case, wanked over my clothes and left.
The woman is clearly mad.
HOW YOU KNOW A PORN IS BORING
You know it must be a boring porn video when you start wondering if a woman’s long, fake nails hurt her when she’s masturbating.
REPORTS
Reports suggest that licking a toilet seat is more hygienic than biting your nails.
So why is everyone on the bus staring at me and my toilet seat?
WHAT I DO TO FORGET
I said, “I drink and take drugs to forget.”
My wife said, “What’s so bad you need to forget?”
I said, “Who the fuck are you?”
