Monthly Archives: August 2015

WHAT I DO WHEN I’M NERVOUS

It suddenly occurred to me today that I wank when I’m nervous.

It was about the same time as when the doctor doing my prostrate examination quit.

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MY EX

My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day.

She thought I was stalking her but I wasn’t, I just had her Wi-Fi password.

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BUNGEE JUMPING

Why is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

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ME AND A WAITRESS

A waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.

“Just slide your finger between the flaps”, she suggested.

That ended badly.

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LIFE WAS SO SIMPLE BEFORE I GOT MARRIED

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

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HOW CATS BEHAVE

“Fucking cat, comes and goes as it wants, wants constant attention, sleeps up to eighteen hours a day, won’t eat fuck all except the most expensive food and rips your balls off if you try to have sex with it.”

“So why did you get it then? ”

“I wanted to know what it’s like to be married.”

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ME AS A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLER

Ever since I became a professional footballer, my dad has always been my biggest supporter.ย 

“Come on! you can do better than that!” he shouted at my wedding.

You may also want to read 50 Shades Of Blogging
https://mynameisemmanuelmuema.wordpress.com/2015/06/08/50-shades-of-blogging/

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I’M JUST GONNA LEAVE THIS HERE

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You may also want to read 50 Shades Of Blogging
https://mynameisemmanuelmuema.wordpress.com/2015/06/08/50-shades-of-blogging/

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TODAY’S WOMEN

Women these days are impossible to read.ย 

You’ve got girlfriends telling you to treat them like whores, and whores offering a full girlfriend experience.ย 

It’s a nightmare – I turn up and can’t remember whether I’m supposed to beat them or murder them.

You may also want to read 50 Shades Of Blogging
https://mynameisemmanuelmuema.wordpress.com/2015/06/08/50-shades-of-blogging/

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MY GIRLFRIEND

I caught my girlfriend taking pictures of her fanny today.

When she never sent them to me I decided to confront her.

Turns out she’s got an online gynaecologist.

You may also want to read 50 Shades Of Blogging
https://mynameisemmanuelmuema.wordpress.com/2015/06/08/50-shades-of-blogging/

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