Daily Archives: September 2, 2015

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE

You say ‘pervert with a telescope’

I say ‘biological astronomer’.

AN APOLOGY FROM THE HOSPITAL

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your dick was not cancerous .

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

JOINING SCHOOL

When I joined school, I used ebook readers instead of books.

I went to Kindlegarten.

MY WIFE

My wife’s pissed off with me for ruining our anniversary.

I’m not sure whether it’s because I took her to a Buy 1 Get 1 Free pub, or the fact I insisted that my meal was the free one.

I’M I TOO CONTROLLING?

My girlfriend said I was too controlling, and it wasn’t her turn to speak.

MY BIGGEST REGRET

My biggest regret is that my mother didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding.

She was the one person who might have stopped it.

ROLEPLAYING

My girlfriend suggested we try some roleplay to live things up in the bedroom.

Later that night she walked in wearing nothing but a cape and some rubber fangs. Telling me she was going to ‘suck me dry’

Thing got heated and overall I think the experience was a success. I’d never heard her moan that loud.

Who knew using a sharpened wooden stake as a dildo would work so well?

MY WIFE’S BODY

I love the way my wife’s body is looking at the moment.

In fact, I’ll almost be sorry when the viewing’s over and the undertakers come for her.

A VERY ACCURATE STUDY

A new study suggests that if a man relentlessly pursues a resistant woman back from work or the pub, eventually she will warm to him.

I think it’s called Stalkhome syndrome.

THE HOMELESS

Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that “they are just going to buy booze with it”.

All I can think is: “Oh, like I wasn’t?”

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