Daily Archives: September 6, 2015

MY WIFE

My wife was arguing with me last night.

“You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”

“Which has, unfortunately, cost you 12 points and a bonus chance,” I told her.

MY GIRLFRIEND

My new girlfriend likes to have sex in weird places.

Yesterday we screwed in the bedroom at my place, while my wife was at work.

WANKING

Why do people use the phrase ” Wanking Furiously ” whenever they toss one off ?

Whenever I do it I’m usually in a pretty good mood.

UNDERAGE SEX

4 out of 10 girls in England have had underage sex.

It would be 5 out of 10 if the local nursery wasn’t so well guarded.

JIGGA, THE MAN HIMSELF

Apparently Jay Z is worth 500 million dollars. I kinda feel bad. Just imagine how much he would be worth if I didn’t illegally download his music.

MY WIFE’S GREED

My wife’s greed almost got her into trouble earlier, when she got some sausage roll stuck in her throat.

But the fat cunt just knocked it down with the next.

SPEED DATING

You’re completely blind for about 40 minutes a day. When your eyes move, your brain purposely blocks your vision, which is why you can’t see the motion of your own eyes in a mirror. It’s called Saccadic masking, and without it your life would be like watching a constant movie that’s filmed with a shaky, handheld camera.

…Is apparently not the best way to introduce yourself to someone at speed dating.

MY WIFE

You’re crazy!
No I’m not, YOU are!
Bullshit. YOU are one crazy bitch!
You made me that way!
No I didn’t!
Yes you did!

And that’s when I had to interrupt my wife looking in the mirror and tell her she was fucking crazy.

TWO LESBIANS

These two beautiful lesbians I know asked me if I had any ideas on how to stop unwanted male attention.

“Well, “I said, “you could stop making porn films, and close your bedroom curtains as well.”

A CALL TO 911

“Hello, this is 911, what’s your emergency?”

“Hello.”

“Hello sir, how can we help?”

“I’d just like a chat.”

“A chat, sir? What’s the problem?”

“My ex is walking towards me and I need to pretend I’m on the phone.”

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