Daily Archives: September 6, 2015

APPLE

Apple have announced today that they will be taking on rivals Google and Facebook by producing their own Mocial Media platform.

iCunt Will be launching later this year.

WHEN SHE IS IN YOUR ARMS

If her lips are on fire and she’s trembling in your arms,forget her.
She’s got malaria.

MY DAUGHTER

After my daughter went missing, I phoned every friend that I have.

Her belongings aren’t going to shift themselves.

MY BLONDE FIANCEE

My blonde fiancee heard that it’s bad luck if a man sees you in your wedding dress before you get married.

She never turned up at the church.

BEARS

Bears think if you’re lying down motionless, you’re dead.

So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead.

Tragic.

MY BOSS

This month at work, I was paid with a couple of bottles of Sodium Hydroxide and Potassium Hydroxide.

My boss said that it was my basic salary.

MY WIFE

My wife says she is leaving me because I don’t show emotions.

That’s just unfair, I do the smile, the frown and the wink when I message her.

HAVING SEX

They say having sex can make you lose a few pounds.

Not fucking kidding, I ended up with two daughters, and I lost thousands.

MY SOULMATE

“You’re my soulmate, my best friend and the love of my life” I whispered down the phone.

My wife replied “Who the fuck are you on the phone with Dave?”

JACK AND JILL

The tragedy of Jack & Jill is they went up the hill to get water.

You get water from the bottom of a hill. Stupidity killed them.

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