Daily Archives: September 8, 2015

MY STUPID DOG

Last night my dog, Barney, saved my wife from a fiery death, by leading her safely out of our burning house.

The little fucking cunt.

I CAN REALLY RELATE TO THIS : A BANK HOLIDAY

My account has some inexplicable deductions so this one goes to the fraudulent bankers out there ;

Today is a Bank Holiday.

I guess the cunts need a lot of days off, to spend all that money they steal from the rest of us.

Does anyone else relate to this post? If so then please leave a comment below.

MY GIRLFRIEND

My girlfriend wants me to let her see other people. Nice try, but I’m still not letting her out of that cellar.

MY MOST RECENT PURCHASE

Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer previous day delivery.

MY WIFE’S LOOKS

My wife has film star looks.

Freddy Krueger.

STAR SIGNS

“We’ve been seeing each other for six months”, said my girlfriend, “and you only seem to call me when you want sex. You treat me like shit. When did that happen? When did you decide I wasn’t worth the effort of a conversation? When did you lose all respect for me?”

“On our first date, when you asked me what star sign I was”, I replied.

MY SON

My son has reached that age where he thinks he is clever. Today he boasted ‘I can get better weed than you.

I replied, “GO ON, PROVE IT”

After the 3rd joint I thought, “Wow, free buzz – WHO’S CLEVER NOW.”

MY WIFE

The wife was baking and told me to go to the shop and get some dates.

So I’m meeting the shelf stacker tonight and the checkout girl on Saturday.

WOMEN, HUH?

Women love it when I sweep them off their feet.

But then they get all pissy when I stick them in the trunk.

I’M I WANTED ?

i’m not saying I’m undesirable or anything,

but I just committed a crime and I’m still not wanted.

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