Daily Archives: September 8, 2015

MY PREVIOUS GIRLFRIENDS

I love watching my previous girlfriends through binoculars.

It’s ex sighting.

I FUCKING LOVE MY JOB AS A SURGEON

What’s the hardest thing about being a paediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

MY DRIVE TO WORK

You can tell it’s half-term this week. My drive to work took me 15 minutes instead of the 45 it takes during term-time.
I didn’t have to keep slowing down to get an eyeful of the schoolgirls’ legs.

MY WIFE

My wife is really hot.

Either that or absolutely freezing. It doesn’t matter what I do with the fucking thermostat, she’s never happy.

FEMINISTS

What’s another word for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

FEMINISTS

How to make a feminist dislike you:

Have a penis.

MY OLD GIRLFRIEND

I once dated a weather forecaster that left me because I was obsessed with her job.

She stormed out.

MY GIRLFRIEND

I split up with my girlfriend because I caught her with a mouthful of Swedish meat balls..
Or Ludvig as she calls him.

A MAGIC TRICK

I quickly learnt that people don’t like to see you pulling your pants out of your arse.

And that I need to find other tricks for my children’s magic show.

A MESSAGE FROM DAVE’S WIFE

Hi all, this is Dave’s wife here.

I’ve just been reading a few things that Dave has posted on this site, and quite frankly, I’m disgusted. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You blindly vote up jokes about me despite the fact that you’ve never met me and you know literally nothing about me! It’s petty, childish and shows you have nothing better to do with your pathetic little lives.

Anyway, I’d like to clear up a few things. I’m not fat, I’m not stupid and Dave most certainly has not had sex with my sister. They have a healthy, platonic relationship. As a matter of fact, he’s actually round her house right now mowing her lawn.

Regards,

Dave’s wife.

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