Daily Archives: September 10, 2015

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time, records were the only way you could listen to music. Then compact discs came along with the digital revolution and ended up the format of choice.
Strangely enough though, you’ll find that more and more people today are going back to playing records…

You tend to find these things go in circles.

PABLO ESCOBAR

The infamous kingpin Pablo Escobar, whilst on the run, once lit a fire fuelled using ยฃ1.2 million in Dollar bills to prepare food.

…..well, it was cheaper than cooking with gas from Npower.

MY RESEARCH

After seven years of research, I can confirm that masturbating to porn leads to an unrealistic perception of women.

I discovered that in the first afternoon, but it’s best to be sure.

MY MATE’S WOMAN

My mate was telling me he had found his ‘forever woman’.

“I found mine years ago, ” I said. “Forever moaning, forever eating, forever nagging…”

HOW SHE WANTED IT

“I want it now against this wall!” she ordered. “And keep it up as long as possible.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I know how to put up a shelf.”

ME

“Why do you always treat me like a kid?” asked my wife.

“Good question, love,” I said, “but next time raise your hand before you ask me a question.”

I’M CONFUSED

I wank every day while watching pornography. I’m confused. I’m I addicted to porn or to wanking?

THE NEW IMPROVED VERSION OF 50 SHADES OF GREY

Since everybody in the world has watched Christian in action in 50 Shades, this joke should be well received ;

Anastasia : I’ve been a very bad girl. *bites her lip*
I need to be punished.

Christian : “Very well. He then installs Windows 10 on her laptop.

MY GRANNY

I said to my granny, “Remember to lock all your doors and Windows tonight, or someone might break in and rape you.”

The next day I was walking round when I noticed her Windows and door were lying open, so I immediately burst upstairs in a panic to find her lying on the bed crying.

I asked, “Did someone break in?”

She replied, “No, you lying little shit!”

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Ruining your wank since Windows XP.

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