Daily Archives: September 11, 2015

MY DAUGHTER

Please pardon my insanity;

“What do you mean I can’t go out dressed like this, I’m going to get raped?” yelled my daughter.

“It was actually two separate statements,” I replied.

Goodnight peeps.

MY MATE

My mathematician mate has just died. His tombstone read:

Malcolm Smith
Loving Husband and Dad
1972-2015 + (174/44 X 99)

MY BOSS

My boss told me to do something about the huge photocopying bill and about claims of sexual harrassment in the office. I told him I could kill two birds with one stone.

I put up a sign on the photocopier – “No-one is to interfere with the secretary’s reproduction equipment without permission from the manager”.

WINDOWS 10 BABY

At a job interview:

“Well Mr. Jones, the position requires a great deal of technical knowledge as the systems must be kept up and running at all costs. What can you bring to the company? ”

“I can use Windows 10. ”

“When can you start?.”

MY WIFE

I found out that my wife was leaving me for my brother, so I marched around his house last night to give him a piece of my mind.

“Hold on, Dave!” he said, “What’s with the champagne bottles?”

ME

If being a Peeping Tom has taught me one thing.

It’s that Mrs Jones from number 43 pretends to be asleep when her husband masturbates to the picture of his daughter.

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STATISTICALLY

Statistically, any sentence can sound serious with the word “statistically” at the start.

POSTNATAL DEPRESSION

New fathers are being urged to look out for signs of postnatal depression.

Like if your wife shoots herself and the baby.

BEING AN INTERNET ADDICT

I ended up proving that the sine and logarithmic functions are the same.

Sign out equals log out.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INSURED AND ENSURED

There is a big difference between ‘insured’ and ‘ensured’ but they do work together well.

When I booked a trip to America I insured my wife against being murdered.

I also ensured the hotel was within walking distance of a gun shop.

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