Daily Archives: September 11, 2015

MY COUSIN

I’m not saying my cousin is ugly, but last Valentine’s Day she didn’t get a single card.

While her classmates were all raped repeatedly.

MY CLEVER WIFE

“I’m sure my wife’s cheating on me and I have to go away on business soon. I’m going to make her wear a chastity belt.” I said to my best mate.

“Waste of time, ” he replied, “I didn’t want to be the one to have to tell you, but she’s shagging a locksmith.”

A COCKTAIL UMBRELLA

It’s unlucky to open up a cocktail umbrella inside.

But it does help scrape away the infection.

MY WIFE

My wife couldn’t believe it when I told her I started masturbating in primary school.

Apparently I should have waited until I got home in case one of my pupils saw me.

LAST NIGHT VS TONIGHT

Last night there was nothing on TV, so my wife gave me her ‘come to bed’ eyes.

Tonight the football’s on, so I’m giving her my ‘go to bed’ eyes.

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