Daily Archives: September 14, 2015

SUITING UP

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SCOOBY FUCKING DOO

“Hey Velma, why don’t you go with Scooby and Shaggy and look for the ghost while Daphne and I fuck in the van?”

What Fred should’ve said on every single episode.

WOMEN’S MAGAZINES

Judging from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most popular to women are:
1) Why all men are disgusting pigs.
&
2) How to attract men.

CHARADES

Playing charades is a bad time to have a heart attack.

A YOUNG GIRL

I was following a young girl down a dark alley last night.

She suddenly noticed me behind her, so I said, “Don’t worry, I’m not a rapist, I’m just walking home.”

“That’s what a rapist would say,” she replied.

Turned out it was.

I LOVE THE NEW WORDPRESS 4.3.2 ANDROID APP

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This new user interface looks just like a computer. Oh my gosh. I freaking love it. I can’t live without my WordPress app.

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MY BOSS

My boss went to have coffee at 11 am.

So I immediately pounced upon the opportunity and forwarded the time in his laptop by 6 hours.

When he returned, I said, “I’m leaving now. It’s 5 PM already.”

“Oh yes it is,” He said, “See you tomorrow.”

“It fucking worked!” I thought to myself as I jolted towards home.

I then enjoyed my entire day and was sleeping peacefully at night, when my phone suddenly rang at 3:15 AM.

He said, “Hurry up Dave, you’re 15 minutes late for work.”

SEXSOMNIA

‘Sexsomnia’ is a type of sleep disorder that occurs when someone engages in any sexual activity, from oral sex to intercourse, while asleep.

My girlfriend is a sufferer. She just hasn’t realized it yet.

MY GIRLFRIEND

My girlfriend accused me of lying to get into her knickers.

She’s wrong. I genuinely did run out of underpants.

MY GIRLFRIEND

I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, “Love that one… Hate that one… Ooh, that one made me cry.”

“Are you going through your DVDs again?” I asked her.

“No,” she replied. “My dildos.”

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