Daily Archives: September 16, 2015

MY WIFE

The morning of my wife’s birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, “It’s a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?”

“It’s not just any wand.” I replied, “It’s a magic wand!”

“Really?” she said, “What’s it do?”

“Why don’t you give it shake,” I told her, “and don’t forget to say the magic words.

“Okay,” She said shaking the wand, “Abracadabra!”

“Fuck me love!” I said peering down the side of the bed, “You’re not going to believe this.”

“What is it?” she asked all excitedly.

I said, “You’ve just made all your other presents disappear!”

TODAY’S NEWS

BBC News headline: Girl, 12, finds porn on Amazon search

Who the fuck keeps their stash in a rainforest?

A THREESOME

At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.

MY WIFE

I saw my wife jogging today and thought, “Wow, finally she’s decided to do something about her fat arse…”

Then I realized she was running after the ice-cream van.

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