Daily Archives: September 21, 2015

A POUND

If I had a pound for everytime I came across a stray dog..

I’d throw them all in it.

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My username is Emmanuel Muema

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MY DOG

My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.

Don’t think I cooked him properly.

A THREESOME

I was having a threesome when the woman I was on top of shouted, “I think I can hear my husband coming.”

“You’re right,” I replied. “I can feel him.”

PALM READING

I got talking to my date about palm reading earlier:

“You can tell a lot about a person from their hand,” I said.

“What can you tell about me?’ she replied.

“You’re a very confident, very warm person,” I smiled.

“Really, how can you tell?”

“Your hand’s on my cock.”

MY DAD

“Dad, I’m not adopted am I?”

“Course not, son. Do you think anyone would put up with you if they had a choice in the matter?”

RUGBY

Rugby is like anal,

Dirty,
Painful,
But everyone wants a try.

MY LOVELY WIFE

My wife came home from work and flopped into a chair, exhausted.
“Darling,” I said. “When was the last time I ran you a bath with scented candles, gave you a massage and tucked you up in bed with a glass of cold champagne?”
“Never,” she replied.
“Exactly,” I said. “Get in the fucking kitchen and cook my dinner.”

ME DURING SEX

Apparently I do weird things during sex.

Like looking over my shoulder to see if the police are coming.

MY MATE

My mate told me that putting a piece of elastic around the base of your cock while masturbating to high definition Pornhub vids really intensifies your orgasm.

But I don’t have the bandwidth.

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