SELFIES

Selfies have killed more people than sharks this year.

Probably because sharks can’t use cameras.

MY GIRLFRIEND

My girlfriend loves ‘Back To The Future’, but I couldn’t get her a hoverboard for her birthday.

So I got her a hoover and an ironing board instead.

ME

This woman called me a filthy pervert on the bus because she noticed my huge erection.

Cheeky bitch, she was the one with a tit out with a kid on the end of it.

MY WIFE

Just upgraded my wife’s phone…

… to a duster and some polish.

That’ll stop the lazy cow neglecting her household duties.

LAST NIGHT

I was driving up the motorway on my way home last night and I had this fucking lorry driver up my arse all the way.

Still, it was nice of him to give me a lift.

MY WIFE

As I picked up my wife from her driving test, the examiner said,

“There was no accident and she passed, but I’m afraid she’ll be having jaw pains for a while.”

I said, “How come?”

He said, “Well… I have a big cock.”

MY WIFE

My wife says that no man could truly understand the meaning of nausea without experiencing morning sickness.

I reminded her that I was the one who had to get her pregnant in the first place.