Monthly Archives: October 2015

A VOICE-CONTROL MICROWAVE

Electronics giant Panasonic have developed a microwave that can be operated by voice control.

Nothing new, I think my wife’s had one for years.

I often find the fat cunt standing near it, whispering “C’mon, c’mon, fucking hurry up.”

SHEEP FARMERS

I was reading that North Wales Police have been using a drone to catch a bloke suspected of stealing cows.

Now Welsh farmers are complaining that they’re being spied on.

Especially sheep farmers, apparently.

NEW DRIVERS

Apparently newly qualified drivers are amongst the most vulnerable on the road.

They are when they fucking cut me up.

TO THE STUPID COW

To the stupid cow that just clipped my car on the motorway as you went flying past…

I have the registration of your aircraft.

MY WIFE

I went to the doctor.

“My wife is depressed and keeps threatening to commit suicide, she needs some tablets or something.”

“Get her in to see me, I’ll start her on a course of anti-depressants,” he said.

“Anti-depressants?” I replied, “Won’t she be able to kill herself a lot quicker with a morphine overdose?”

MY WIFE

“I’m so bloody bored,” complained my wife. “All I do is cook and wash and clean and care for the children. I just want to do something else for a while.”

“Um, the ironing?” I suggested.

MY OBSESSION

My obsession with software updates, has taken me to Cloud 9.01.

MY DAUGHTER

I’m not saying my daughter’s fat.

But Father Christmas sits on her lap.

MY SEXUAL FANTASY

My sexual fantasy is to be stalked… if you follow me.

BRUCE JENNER

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman.

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