Monthly Archives: November 2015
Whenever I go through customs, I hide my drugs inside my bum.
I don’t have to, I just like the feel of an inhaler up my arse.
What’s the difference between an embalmer and my ex-wife?
An embalmer would wait until I’m dead before bleeding me dry.
The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said, “You’re going to turn into a woman with a massive forehead.”
“That’s your fucking reflection, you idiot,” I replied.
My big sister’s just disappeared in her bedroom with her best friend.
They seem to have really nasty colds as I keep hearing them on the verge of sneezing.
“Black really is slimming on you love, I can honestly say you’ve never looked sexier” I assured the wife.
“Turn the light back on you cunt” she replied.
What’s the difference between a checkout girl and my wife?
A checkout girl doesn’t yell at me while I pack my bags and leave.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.
One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.
What I’ve actually done is spotted some tits.
There was a feminist protest down my road this morning.
I put my head out the window and said to one of the women, “What are you lot doing?”
“We want to make the world a better, happier place.” she shouted.
I said, “Be a bit quieter then, I’m trying to sleep.”