HIDING DRUGS

Whenever I go through customs, I hide my drugs inside my bum.

I don’t have to, I just like the feel of an inhaler up my arse.

MY WIFE

What’s the difference between an embalmer and my ex-wife?

An embalmer would wait until I’m dead before bleeding me dry.

CHEEKY ME

The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said, “You’re going to turn into a woman with a massive forehead.”

“That’s your fucking reflection, you idiot,” I replied.

MY BIG SIS

My big sister’s just disappeared in her bedroom with her best friend.

They seem to have really nasty colds as I keep hearing them on the verge of sneezing.

THE WIFE

“Black really is slimming on you love, I can honestly say you’ve never looked sexier” I assured the wife.

“Turn the light back on you cunt” she replied.

WIVES

What’s the difference between a checkout girl and my wife?

A checkout girl doesn’t yell at me while I pack my bags and leave.

AN IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

MY WIFE

My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.

What I’ve actually done is spotted some tits.

FEMINISTS

There was a feminist protest down my road this morning.

I put my head out the window and said to one of the women, “What are you lot doing?”

“We want to make the world a better, happier place.” she shouted.

I said, “Be a bit quieter then, I’m trying to sleep.”

MEN VS WOMEN

“I could go on forever”.

With men it’s a figure of speech.

With women it’s just something they do.