Daily Archives: November 28, 2015

HUMPTY DUMPTY

Poor Humpty Dumpty.

If only he had a hot bath before the accident, he still would have been here today.

A NEWSPAPER AD

A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying: ‘Man seeks woman to date.’

He was asked: “Do you want to insert it today?”

Man: “Sure, but I can’t write that in the ad, can I?”

BONDING WITH MY SON

“Daddy, does getting married make your willy bigger?” asked my eight year-old son.

“Haha, no, it doesn’t. Why do you ask, son?” I smiled.

“Because mum told Auntie Jane on the phone that after you two get married, you can suck your own dick.”

I’M NOT EVEN GONNA TRY TO SPELL THIS

I suffer from arachnoprimatephobia.

I’m scared of spider monkeys.

TIPPING

Apparently you are only supposed to tip the waiter 15%, Im glad its not anymore than that, otherwise he would fall over.

THE WIFE

I was just munching the wife out when her period started,

“I’m so sorry,”she said.

“Don’t be,” I replied, “It tastes better than anything you fucking cook.”

RAPE

On Crimewatch tonight they showed harrowing CCTV footage of a man raping a woman behind a hedge next to a bus stop, after the rape he then casually waited 30 minutes for a bus to come only a few feet away on the other side of the hedge.ย 

It’s totally shocking , the transport system in this country is a disgrace.

PLAYING A GAME

Arriving home from work last night, I saw my son and daughter sat in silence, so asked what was wrong.

“Nothing’s wrong, daddy” my daughter replied. “We’re playing a game.”

“What’s the game?” I asked.

“Marriage” my son sighed.

A STARFISH FETISH

Did you know a human mouth can hold up to seven starfish?

In related news, I’m banned from the aquarium.

MY DATE

As I just came back from the toilet I noticed my date had left for no reason.ย 

Fucking bitch.ย 

She didn’t even pay the bill like I told her to.

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