Daily Archives: November 28, 2015
Poor Humpty Dumpty.
If only he had a hot bath before the accident, he still would have been here today.
A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying: ‘Man seeks woman to date.’
He was asked: “Do you want to insert it today?”
Man: “Sure, but I can’t write that in the ad, can I?”
“Daddy, does getting married make your willy bigger?” asked my eight year-old son.
“Haha, no, it doesn’t. Why do you ask, son?” I smiled.
“Because mum told Auntie Jane on the phone that after you two get married, you can suck your own dick.”
I suffer from arachnoprimatephobia.
I’m scared of spider monkeys.
Apparently you are only supposed to tip the waiter 15%, Im glad its not anymore than that, otherwise he would fall over.
I was just munching the wife out when her period started,
“I’m so sorry,”she said.
“Don’t be,” I replied, “It tastes better than anything you fucking cook.”
On Crimewatch tonight they showed harrowing CCTV footage of a man raping a woman behind a hedge next to a bus stop, after the rape he then casually waited 30 minutes for a bus to come only a few feet away on the other side of the hedge.
It’s totally shocking , the transport system in this country is a disgrace.
Arriving home from work last night, I saw my son and daughter sat in silence, so asked what was wrong.
“Nothing’s wrong, daddy” my daughter replied. “We’re playing a game.”
“What’s the game?” I asked.
“Marriage” my son sighed.
Did you know a human mouth can hold up to seven starfish?
In related news, I’m banned from the aquarium.