Daily Archives: November 30, 2015

WTF

What’s worse than having a girlfriend who wipes back to front?

Finding out by going down on her.

A GREAT DISCOVERY

Finally found out why I look so ugly when someone takes a photo of me.

It’s my face.

ME

I’m not stupid.
I went to an AA meeting and said, “Hi, my name’s Jim and I own the pub across the road.”

MY WIFE

I’m not saying my wife is fat,but she doesn’t even own a car and has to pay congestion charge when she’s in London.

A BAD VIDEO

There’s an embarrassing video of me using incorrect words that has made it’s way onto the net.
To make matters worse, it’s gone virus.

WOMEN

Women find it ‘disgusting’ that a man can look at a woman, evaluate multiple diverse factors to arrive at one number to rate her a on a scale from zero to ten. How is that any better than the fact that a woman can look at a man and evaluate him in his entirety on one number?

His annual salary.

MY WORST MEMORY AS A KID

My worst memory of childhood was the time my parents hired a magician for my birthday party.

He sat me on his knee and made three of his fingers disappear.

STARFISH

Starfish! Bad at directions.

MY SON

A study has shown that men are four times more likely to carry out a sex crime if their father has been convicted for a similar offence.

My son was very worried that he might become a sexual monster and asked me some serious questions.

I put his mind at rest, I assured him he has nothing to worry about. I have never been caught.

MY WIFE

I was unbelievably excited when I took delivery of our 62-inch 3D Smart TV and, as I hugged and drooled over it on its stand, the wife let out a derisory huff.

“Look at the state of you! You’re pathetic!” she snarled. “Fawning over a TV – why can’t you manage that sort of affection for me?”

“Because I can get my fucking arms around the telly.”

%d bloggers like this: