A JOB INTERVIEW

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”

Candidate: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

THIS IS TOO SICK

If you’ve ever wondered what it’d be like to be married…

Find a woman who doesn’t want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

WHAT THE F***?

I always carve a heart with a woman’s initials into a tree on the first date…

It’s the most romantic way to show her that you have a knife.

MY GOSH

I’m afraid of dying alone…

So I became a bus driver.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Did you know that there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring.

MY DATE

I asked my date if she’d ever done drugs.

“No,” she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, “Well, you have now.”