WOMEN

Why do women have to put a label on everything?
Can’t we just be two people who enjoy spending time together??
But no, I have to be her “stalker.”

OH THE IRONY

“Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.” Great movie quote, terrible pick-up line.

HOW MY DAY WAS

I took my wife out yesterday. Fucking brilliant shot.

SERIOUSLY???!!!

How far into a bitch’s back do you have to press your erect dick before she gets the hint?
Seriously, I’m getting off at the next bus stop.

SERIOUSLY ???!!!!!

How far into a bitch’s back do you have to press your erect dick before she gets the hint ?
Seriously, I’m getting off at the next bus stop.

LAST NIGHT

I made my wife scream during sex last night. She walked into our daughter’s room.

MY GOSH

A big thanks to my legal team for getting my rape charge reduced to “Assault with a friendly weapon.”

YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT I DID

A notice in my local toilet said, please leave these facilities as you would expect to find them.

So I puked on the floor and drew penises on the wall.

MY GIRLFRIEND

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should’ve stopped when I got to her.

SPREADING SEED

As I was out in the garden spreading seed on my lawn, I could see my next door neighbour telling me to stop wanking.