MY FIRST TIME RIDING A BIKE

My first time riding a bike was exactly like my first time having sex.

My dad was holding me from behind.

THE POLICE

The police burst into my house at 6 am this morning looking for child porn on my computer.

I told them to fuck off and find their own like I had to.

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EQUALITY

I love women who want equality.

I especially like the look on their faces when you tell them you’re not paying, after you’ve drunk champagne and eaten the most expensive meal on the menu.

MY DAD

My Dad was well known locally for being a hard man .

In the end mum left him because she couldn’t keep up with his viagra addiction.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY BOTH DURING SEX AND A FUNERAL ?

This would be much better if you were alive.

MY FUCKING BOSS

My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”.

Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a white gown and a KKK pillow over my head 😦

WOMEN 😂😂😂

Fifty percent of women suffer from vaginal dryness.

But not as much as rapists.

LITTLE POCKETS IN JEANS

Apart from cocaine, has anyone else figured out what those little pockets are for in jeans?

HOW DONALD TRUMP MET HIS WIFE

It’s Donald Trump’s wedding anniversary in a few days.
In a rare tender moment he described the first time he laid eyes on Melania, and clicked ‘Add to cart.’